Jokes, Quotes Etc foe 09 2020

  • “Not that easy to get off” – Pretty much sums up 2020
  • “I will look spectacular in an orange jumpsuit, no one has ever looked better in orange than me! Many people say I look marvelous in orange.”(Trump)
  • “Albatross Wall” – Perfect description of Trump
  • Trump administration mantra- “CRUELTY FOR CRUELTY’S SAKE”
  • While the GOP prevented adequate financial relief to working families, they did get:
    -$120 billion tax break for business owners in the 1%
    -$6.3 billion tax break for a 3-martini lunch
    -$4.2 billion tax break for offshore tax scams
    -$2 billion for the space force
  • Her body, her choice. Pro life: get vasectomy.
  • We all laughed in psychology class at how dumb Pavlov’s dog was.
    Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch.
  • Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
    All they said was, “bach, bach, bach.”
  • I’ve learned a new excuse: “I didn’t drop it, those are calibration dents”
  • “Panty rings for extra security while horse-riding.”
  • QAnon Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
    This is what happens when you gerrymander a district so small that the only people available to run for office come from a tree with 1 branch.
  • Sarah Sanders announcing she is going to run for governor – Is Arkansas looking for a liar with no political experience to be their next governor?
  • “Daddy what does formating Drive C: mean?”
  • Conspiracy Fetishist is what I call people that believe conspirishit.
  • Stop calling it Trumpism. Call it what is is: Fascism.
  • aka the libertarian dream “This is a good time to note that the electrical grid in Texas was deregulated, privatized, and removed from interconnected networks to avoid federal regulation and increase profits to a small number of wealthy individuals.”
  • “its a horse with a ice cream cone on its head!”
  • Everyone celebrated Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins when they returned from the moon.
    Why am I the only one that remembers there were only two astronauts on the mission when they left?
  • Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
  • Human: the other white meat; the other dark meat.
    Cat: nom
    So don’t think you can rely on them calling 911
  • you know it’s a good video when you’ve blown your electrolytic fluid within a few minutes.
  • Imagine spending several years studying electrical engineering for theater and all you are remembered for is that time you were hired to light up a moose crotch.
  • wrt Hot Cheetos Mac And Cheese –
    “…Your Scientists Were So Preoccupied With Whether Or Not They Could, They Didn’t Stop To Think If They Should.”
  • Sage words of Wisdom from Kids
    Dont tell mom her diet isnt working
  • Alergy Meds. why should skip Gen one

    gen one allergy pills which can be dementia inducing

    wrt price In this case, generic diphenhydramine (benadryl) is less than 1 cent per pill and generic fexofenadine (2nd gen antihistamine) is 19 cents per pill generic loratadine is 6 cents per pill, cetirizine is 4 cents per pill, 4-19x the 1st gen cost would not be the thing people thing of when somebody says “a bit more”

    Only 1 in 5 stayed home developing COVID symptoms

    In King County, Washington, the county government announced today that contact tracing has learned that only one out of every five people developing COVID symptoms are self-isolating.

    80% of people showing presumptive symptoms continue to circulate in the community.

    It’s too easy to yell at people and say “stay home, fools!” But the question is: *why* do people continue to circulate with symptoms? Is it because they have to continue working? Have they gotten mixed messages?

    I think it was a big miss in this country to not support individual households and small businesses with direct economic support to make sure people weren’t put in no-win situations where they had to risk their health to make sure they have a roof over their heads. Many developed countries have done this, and the United States decided to spent the vast majority of its economic stimulus on large corporations in a giveaway with no transparency.

    You want to mitigate the economic crisis? You want to mitigate the health crisis? Providing direct income and security to individuals and small businesses would have encouraged people to stay home, especially those who are most vulnerable to spreading Covid, and it would keep small businesses from going under.

    Thing is, it probably would have been cheaper than the two trillion that was dumped into the stock market.

    Again, the United States had the power to incentivize behaviors that would protect both public health *and* the economic security of households. They just chose not to.

    Why So many defend the Traitor Flag?

    From someone who teaches AP US History:

    If you are confused as to why so many Americans are defending the confederate flag, monuments, and statues right now, I put together a quick Q&A, with questions from a hypothetical person with misconceptions and answers from my perspective as an AP U.S. History Teacher:

    Q: What did the Confederacy stand for?

    A: Rather than interpreting, let’s go directly to the words of the Confederacy’s Vice President, Alexander Stephens. In his “Cornerstone Speech” on March 21, 1861, he stated “The Constitution… rested upon the equality of races. This was an error. Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner-stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth.”

    Q: But people keep saying heritage, not hate! They think the purpose of the flags and monuments are to honor confederate soldiers, right?

    A: The vast majority of confederate flags flying over government buildings in the south were first put up in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights Movement. So for the first hundred years after the Civil War ended, while relatives of those who fought in it were still alive, the confederate flag wasn’t much of a symbol at all. But when Martin Luther King, Jr. and John Lewis were marching on Washington to get the Civil Rights Act (1964) and Voting Rights Act (1965) passed, leaders in the south felt compelled to fly confederate flags and put up monuments to honor people who had no living family members and had fought in a war that ended a century ago. Their purpose in doing this was to exhibit their displeasure with black people fighting for basic human rights that were guaranteed to them in the 14th and 15th Amendments but being withheld by racist policies and practices.

    Q: But if we take down confederate statues and monuments, how will we teach about and remember the past?

    A: Monuments and statues pose little educational relevance, whereas museums, the rightful place for Confederate paraphernalia, can provide more educational opportunities for citizens to learn about our country’s history. The Civil War is important to learn about, and will always loom large in social studies curriculum. Removing monuments from public places and putting them in museums also allows us to avoid celebrating and honoring people who believed that tens of millions of black Americans should be legal property.

    Q: But what if the Confederate flag symbol means something different to me?

    A: Individuals aren’t able to change the meaning of symbols that have been defined by history. When I hang a Bucs flag outside my house, to me, the Bucs might represent the best team in the NFL, but to the outside world, they represent an awful NFL team, since they haven’t won a playoff game in 18 years. I can’t change that meaning for everyone who drives by my house because it has been established for the whole world to see. If a Confederate flag stands for generic rebellion or southern pride to you, your personal interpretation forfeits any meaning once you display it publicly, as its meaning takes on the meaning it earned when a failed regime killed hundreds of thousands of Americans in an attempt to destroy America and keep black people enslaved forever.

    Q: But my uncle posted a meme that said the Civil War/Confederacy was about state’s rights and not slavery?

    A: “A state’s right to what?” – John Green

    Q: Everyone is offended about everything these days. Should we take everything down that offends anyone?

    A: The Confederacy literally existed to go against the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the idea that black people are human beings that deserve to live freely. If that doesn’t upset or offend you, you are un-American.

    Q: Taking these down goes against the First Amendment and freedom of speech, right?

    A: No. Anyone can do whatever they want on their private property, on their social media, etc. Taking these down in public, or having private corporations like NASCAR ban them on their properties, has literally nothing to do with the Bill of Rights.

    Q: How can people claim to be patriotic while supporting a flag that stood for a group of insurgent failures who tried to permanently destroy America and killed 300,000 Americans in the process?

    A: No clue.

    Q: So if I made a confederate flag my profile picture, or put a confederate bumper sticker on my car, what am I declaring to my friends, family, and the world?

    A: That you support the Confederacy. To recap, the Confederacy stands for: slavery, white supremacy, treason, failure, and a desire to permanently destroy Selective history as it supports white supremacy.

    It’s no accident that:

    You learned about Helen Keller instead of W.E.B, DuBois

    You learned about the Watts and L.A. Riots, but not Tulsa or Wilmington.

    You learned that George Washington’s dentures were made from wood, rather than the teeth from slaves.

    You learned about black ghettos, but not about Black Wall Street.

    You learned about the New Deal, but not “red lining.”

    You learned about Tommie Smith’s fist in the air at the 1968 Olympics, but not that he was sent home the next day and stripped of his medals.

    You learned about “black crime,” but white criminals were never lumped together and discussed in terms of their race.

    You learned about “states rights” as the cause of the Civil War, but not that slavery was mentioned 80 times in the articles of secession.

    Privilege is having history rewritten so that you don’t have to acknowledge uncomfortable facts.

    Racism is perpetuated by people who refuse to learn or acknowledge this reality.

    You have a choice. – Jim Golden

    Jokes moar, etc

    • Reporter: “So Mr. Sean Connery, are you proud of your woodworking projects?” Sean Connery: “Yesh I’m proud of myshelf”
    • “Snorted too much strawberry nesquick powder in the 70s”
    • “we dont want that ass end of the garlic, it taste funky”
    • “Ever notice how much they look like orchids? Lovely!” Lazarus Long
    • Friends… Let’s be honest. Can any one of us truly claim we haven’t stripped for a dead pig?
    • “My balls are lose”(/Alton Brown)
    • “Im thinking of stiring in my Balls”(/Alton Brown)
    • Proclaiming “blue lives matter” isn’t to show support for law enforcement. It’s to show support for extreme abuse of power in policing, as well as entranced racist policies and procedures in law enforcement.
    • “For wherever two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Covid 1:9
    • Q: What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? A: Luke warm.
    • “This isnt a refuge! its a buffet line!”
    • Nunes: the Karen in Congress.
    • “I had to awkwardly hold it in place while screwing…” – LGR 2020
    • “Wrapped in plastic, begging to be unsheathed and put into action” – LGR 2020
    • “The people who are so opposed to abortion don’t care about the data,” she said. “It’s like climate change deniers. The data is irrelevant. But for women considering abortions to know that 95% of women didn’t regret it? That’s important.”
    • Now the Muslims can fund their schools with tax dollars.
    • Trump, defending traitors to America and dictators since he plagued the Oval Office.
    • #KarensGoneWild
    • It was nice how all the Republicans and anti socialism crowd returned their stimulus checks since they realized how hypocritical it would be to cash them.
    • You know how to stop Police Brutality? Ever settlement paid for all their shit needs to be paid from their Pensions and not City Tax payers. See how quickly they will reform. If the tax payers keep footing the bill for their abuse nothing will change.
    • Hydroxychloroquine is tide pods for #TrumpTurds
    • Republicans then: Time to sacrifice your grandparents for the economy. They had a good life anyways.
    • Republicans now: It’s your kids turn to die. Open them schools!
    • Man With Six Bankruptcies Calls Other People Losers
    • “Well butter mai butt!”
    • Witnesses are saying that the boats didn’t really sink since they had pre-existing conditions. Trump tweeted that he hardly knew them, and prefers boaters who don’t sink. No one seriously hurt so this gets the SorryNotSorry stamp of idiocracy
    • Amazing how people are skeptical of anonymous sources from respected journalists but will eat Qanon bullshit up.

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    New Quotes

    • Cordial Rule #1 of cosplay: make sure you can goto the can!
    • Straight Pride Parade – hear it’s going to be called the Incelebration
    • “you are the big daddy of this patty”(/Hamburger joke)
    • “I believe the President” from a Republican means “I don’t care what the President does. He can rape, pillage, and steal, and it’s all fine as long as I keep my seat during the next election.”
    • Well, I’m curious. Israel gets much more aid money from the United States and Netanyahu has been indicted for corruption. Did Trump also withhold aid from Israel or is he only interested if the name is Biden?
    • “In his first 869 days as President, Donald Trump said 10,796 things that were either misleading or outright false, according to The Washington Post’s Fact Checker. Do the math and you get this: The President of the United States is saying 12 untrue things a day.”
    • Cheetos july 4 rally == “A day of vanity” is about the best description I’ve heard yet.
    • “I’ve know Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. A lot of fun to be with. It’s even said that he loves beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”
      -Donald Trump 2002
    • ” keep your rosaries off of my ovaries”.
    • “Its in battle Mode!”
    • aka one of his friends who would benefit from it whispered in his ear == “thinking about it”
    • being inside a robot; what every man dreams of
    • The person that changes the names on office doors in this administration definitely has job security.
    • if cheeto the douchenozzle is such a good dealmaker, how come he has to pay 150K for sex?
    • Following a whistleblower complaint allegation that the White House sought to hide a transcript of President Trump’s call with the president of Ukraine, insiders say officials also sought to keep transcripts from the public of President Trump’s calls with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Russian President Vladimir Putin.
    • President Trump told two senior Russian officials in an Oval Office meeting in 2017 that he was not concerned about Moscow’s election interference in 2016, defending Russia
    • When leaders are under pressure, the nature of their character comes to the fore. Are they made of sterner stuff? Do they wilt in the heat?
    • The draw of Bob Ross isn’t just his paintings. It’s also the way he talked. “Gotta have dark,” he said in an episode after his wife died. “It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come.”
    • unsinkable.. as the iceberg said to the titanic… (/Tom baker)
    • Trump is currently at the flush-the-meth-down-the-toilet phase of his Presidency. – Andy Borowitz
    • I’m very curious. Why would they have to “begin the search” for another location? They claim that they looked already, and determined Doral would be the best choice. They should have all the information, including the bids, from all those other sites that they considered. Unless they were <gasp> lying, and hadn’t really considered any other place but Donnie’s rundown, stinky moneypit.
    • Fox News is a journalistic organization in the same way the McDonald’s is a fine dining establishment.
    • #ImpeachBarr and Durham are just a nothingburger, to please cheetos fragile manchild ego
    • you are equating trumps family separation policy, losing thousands of children , letting untold numbers of children be sold into adoption through Bethany Christian services – child trafficking BTW…to Obama temporarily separating them for their own safety..who schooled you Betsy Prince DeVos??.
    • “Danger, danger! There’s a fascist in the White House!” (/Lost in space Robot voice)
    • when some trumpturd says but hillary was leading in polls – She did win. She won the popular vote by 3 million. Polls reflect the voice of the people and that was accurate. The electoral college is who we should be polling for actual reference…
    • Today’s word of the term:
      Meaning: Showing immaturity; silly or juvenile. Relating to or characteristic of a child.

      Puerile in a sentence:
      The puerile comments made by Donald Trump daily increases his chances of being placed in time out.
    • its not like OANN is really “Real” news.. more like Infowars trash Exactly, like if Alex jones fucked Steve Bannon… and their baby… would look like OANN. with a little bit of Michelle Malkin spewn on the side
    • nothing says im innocent then purging all people installed to make sure you dont do anything illegal
    • its hard to tell when you overcook purple potatoes – Alton Brown
    • “it suffered a crash in the wind tunnel”